If you’ve been following along in my blog, a reoccurring theme has been my singledom. And although I’ve talked about it before, many of times, I never thought I’d be so fucking single, still at the age of 25 that I’ve never… like ever, had a boyfriend.
I haven’t yet decided whether it’s great or it makes me sad, but I thought I’d take a moment to dissect some of my most personal feelings on the situation.
Here’s what I realized –
I’ve never…
Taken a “date” to a wedding
Been a “date” to a wedding
Shared an apartment with a significant other or had more than a one-night sleepover
Had blowout fights that lead to passionate, raw, love make-ups
Had someone to kiss my forehead, hold and comfort me while I cry
Had someone to share the details of my workday with (besides my mom) LOL
Taken cute selfies together or a couple’s photo shoot
Taken a vacation (long distance or daytrip) with anyone besides friends or my family
Been able to grab spontaneous drinks with a guy that I’m not just getting to know from Bumble or Hinge
Had really difficult conversations that allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable
Compromised about life
Been in love
Had my heart broken
And before you comment and say, “wow, what a dream” or “at least you’ve never had to go through a shitty breakup”, maybe that’s true, but the reality is that I’ve never done any of these things because no one has ever expressed interest in wanting to pursue or date me.
I’ve tried not sleeping with guys on the first date, talking to an online dating match weeks before a first date, talking only a few hours before a first date, and even sleeping with them on a first date if the vibe felt right, but here I am- still at square one, and never have I ever made it past the first date.
That’s a hell of a track record. So, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I can’t deny the ways that I’ve benefited from being single like:
I’m living an amped-up version of “treat yourself”
My friendships are many and run deep
I’m independent and can hold my own
I don’t let anything, or anyone hold me back
I don’t have to share my bed (or closet)
But at the end of the day, I do wish that I had that special someone to share and enjoy life with. Afterall, we’re all humans and we’re meant to be intimately connected to other people. We’re supposed to find companions and fall in love. So why hasn’t this happened to me?
So real talk: yeah, being single can be great, but let’s talk about why it’s really fucking hard to be and how I’ve learned to manage emotions around it because sometimes it makes me feel really sad.
Wondering “What’s Wrong with Me?”
Hands down, this is the hardest part for me. I always think there’s something wrong with me. I’ve been on awful first dates where I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, sometimes because the guy was just a complete jerk or because he had no idea how to hold a conversation.
I’ve also went on dates with some superrr attractive men- you know the ones that instantly give you butterflies. The guy who you can’t stop staring at without imagining how he’s going to throw you around and have his way with you. Ugh.
But regardless, no matter how bad or good I thought the date went, I’ve had zero success. So maybe it is just me?
It’s Just Embarrassing
It sucks to always be the single one. The amount of group dinners I’ve went to alone with my friends and all of their boyfriends or the amount of times I’ve third wheeled for any occasion you could possibly think of… concerts are the worst! Or just having people express their sympathy for me that I haven’t found “the one,” it sucks.
Dating Takes A Lot of Energy
If I have to tell one more person what my favorite color is I’m going to scream. Seriously, I can’t handle many more talking stages. Dating’s fun and all until it’s not.
Your mid-twenties are a time when many of your friends start to get engaged, married and start having kids and with the dating pool of potential bachelors becoming less and less, you find yourself on online dating sites.
So, some Tuesday nights, you might have to force yourself to get out of the house and do your hair and makeup to go meet up with some guy from Bumble (instead of being all cozy in bed).
And the worst part about this is sometimes these dates turn out to be a total waste of your time.
It’d be nice to just have that person who you can stay at home cuddling with, but that’s not really an option when you’re single and want a relationship.
It’s Confusing
I’ve had my fair share of great first dates and I think that a first date should be easy since you’re just getting to know each other. You should have a lot to talk about. But where do you draw the line between emotional and physical chemistry? What should you be going into the first date expecting?
Independent AF
If there’s one thing I can say it’s that I’ve become fiercely independent and I’m proud to say that I’m not a needy bitch. When it comes to guys, I have a hard time opening up. Maybe it’s because of how much I enjoy my independence. But it’s great not having to ask anyone if you can go out with your girls for drinks or having to worry about your significant other getting offended because you had a conversation with an old friend who happens to be the opposite gender. Controlling isn’t a good look.
You’re Not Your Friends Priority
I don’t mean this in a bad way, I love my friends and I know they love me, but it’s the truth. Sure, you’re one of their priorities, but their husbands, boyfriends and children are a higher priority. My friends are seriously the BEST at making friend time high on their to-do list, and I’m not sure what’d I’d ever do without all of the amazing friends I have but I just wonder what it’s like to be someone’s everything and to be made a priority.
Self-Love Doesn’t Come Easily
My self-love sucks. It’s something I’ve struggled with from a young age and something I think I’ll always struggle with. Sometimes you want someone to hug you at the end of the day and tell you it’s going to be OK. You want someone to tell you that those shorts make you look amazing or that your eyes are absolutely stunning. When you’re single, even when you have the best of friends, this unconditional love doesn’t exist, so you have to work to build it yourself, and sometimes you just don’t love yourself.
So, after taking the time to reflect on the hard emotions that come along with being single the fact is, it’s not easy and it’s not all glamourous. Yes, I want a relationship. I want the good and the bad, and I want the love the fights and the compromise. But I’m not willing to settle for just anyone. I know that I’m a badass chick who deserves the most beautiful fucking love story ever imagined. Until that day, I’ll be here, probably blogging, maybe drinking some wine but anyways, here’s to hoping that sooner rather than later that right person will come into my life.
-Your Basic Blonde
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