So, there I was, four beers in, standing inside a pub in rural Illinois, feeling kind of tipsy, but still well-aware of my surroundings, half-ass listening to a conversation I realistically couldn’t have given two fucks about.
I raise my eyes up from my phone and give a feeble and fake laugh as I proceed to glance across the bar and spot a Gen Z-esk girl reaching across her body to unzip her black Lulu Belt Bag to proudly reveal a slim, teal, lipstick sized contraption.
In one swift movement she brings it up to her pouty lips and deeply inhales as the gadget lights up a fiery blue color.
A moment later, she exhales, and a large cloud of sweet-smelling strawberry banana fills the room.
And that’s when it hit me.
And I don’t mean the smell of her vape, the thought.
The only thing you should be putting inside your body that has a USB port is a vibrator.
Yeah, I said that. And that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.
Here’s why vaping is absolutely disgusting and why you should probably knock it off.
1. “Can I hit that?”
For starters, this question is already disgusting enough on its own, but then when you have finance bro Chad asking you if he can also “hit that” it’s even more repulsive.
Vaping has become so popular with young adults, in the bar scene and at parties that it’s uncommon to find those who don’t vape.
Drinking alcohol and hitting a vape can also help achieve the perfect “head high”, and so, this helps explain why it can become so hard to quit vaping once you’ve started.
If I’m going to be hitting anything, it’s going to be me hitting the “on” button to my vibrator.
2. You don’t even know the full effects of vaping
When vaping first became popular, there were claims that it was safer than smoking and safe to use in general. However, these claims have since been proven wrong by increasing cases of illnesses from vaping.
Even though vapes don’t contain tar like traditional cigarettes, they have been found to contain several cancer-containing substances and they’ve been proven to cause breathing problems.
If I’m going to be having breathing problems, I want it to be because my boyfriend’s using my vibrator on me to give me a breathtaking orgasm.
3. Vaping can become addictive
It’s very easy to become addicted to vapes. A study even found that the nicotine in vapes “rewires the brain, making you more susceptible to drugs or other harmful substances later on in life.”
If I’m going to become addicted to anything with a USB port, I’d rather it be my vibrator than a cancer causing glowstick.
So, next time you’re searching for that rush of excitement or perhaps something to just give you a bit of a buzz, use your vibrator.
Because anything else you’re plugging into a USB port and then putting into your body, simply can’t be good for you.
And yes, Becky. That includes vaping.
- Your Basic Blonde
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